In the star dazed darkness we lived away our emptiness.

There were better days waiting

But we perfered these

Sitting on the swingset of memory

Moving up and down to the rhythm of words

Writing our stories on the space between the stars

Hoping that emptiness would not describe us

say anything but nothing or just something

There isn’t much to say

It rained today and snow was in the air

I thought of you, but kept mostly to myself

Hummed the tune to a sad song

Said hello to a few people, made some good

and bad small talk

I did other things too, but none of them meant much

The day just ended like an unfinished conversation

that could have been deep

or a moment that could have been siezed

and wasn’t.

(I don’t know)

But when I walked to the car in the damp evening

I had the sudden desire to make the day something more

To drive to an open field and yell to the stars

or maybe just turn the music loud and drive.

But I was tired and little sad

And there would be other days.

oh the snow

It snowed today love, and everything was hushed and new. It made me sad to be alone– the night so deeply dark against the pale world, the pinprick light of the stars so far away.

love lightly

Love lightly on this cold grey gravel morning, that blue bellied cloud is slumped against the dark roll of  hills outside my window. The sun is barely stirring but the wind is buzzing on dark espresso. Washed out wheat fields, just barely gold, the fields shaded ever so slightly with a brush stroke of green and these trees have not quite shed their silhouettes. Love lightly.

sappily sweet and falling into me

la la la

what the hell am I doing here

watching the rain on the pavement

thinking about the way you smiled right into my eyes

what the hell am I doing

what the hell am I doing

laughing with you about the fat bird

in the bush outside McDonalds

we threw frech fries at him

but he couldn’t fly

He was so fat

la la la

what the hell were we thinking

when we took the road that led out of town

with the music on so damn loud

la la la

why the hell

why the hell

did we drink so many cups of coffee

while Augustine was watching

why the hell did you wrap your arms around me

telling me you loved me

why the hell did we laugh so hard

we laughed so hard

la la la

why the hell is life so sticky and sappily sweet

why did I ever feel I needed more

when life was falling falling falling on us

and we were falling falling into it.

after all this, lets wrap our arms around the wind

The rain was building in your eyes and there was nothing I could do, my hand resting helplessly on your back, your frame shaking like a reed in too much wind. I wanted to give you happiness, like it was a bird I could rest on you shoulder, but  we both knew that was for you to find.

All I could do was lean into you a little more my eyes on the carpet, and say something about life being fucked up and people being misunderstanding. You weren’t even listening. I don’t blame you.

Later you told me you were doing better, happy even. You took a walk  to the park behind your house with a friend and that was enough. The world is so big you said. It’s so big and there is so much to love.

Then I realized that I was wrong. No one finds happiness, it more hits you like a brief smile from a stranger. I think those small realizations are as close as we’ll ever get to it. Those brief moments in time when the world is irresistable. But thats what they’re for, you know, to keep us on the edge of our seats,waiting (a little impatiently), for whatever it is that comes after all this.

live lightly and sprightly, live delightfully

There was so much more I wanted to say. You looked at me, I looked away. Distance was always easier

Safer, I guess.

I wonder how much life i’ve lost in the second guess.

Happiness like a portrait by Rembrant

Cold and smiling.

Renissance living, Rennissance dying

(Hold my hand)

There’s no more time to stand stand starring

When someone somewhere is dying alone.

And someone outside is having a smoke

And someone loved is watching the stars.

And someone in love  is playing guitar

Far far, away

(Today is loveliest today)

thin swale afternoon

Thin swale afternoon Thin swale afternoon

Kiss the world right on the lips

I’m watching you and your watching the crisp crinkled sky. How swell it is to be alive in this swift reeling life, hands entwining hearts unwiding shoes tap dancing to whatever songs we need to sing. (I am glad to be.) Loneliness is pending happiness is everlasting, and there’s so much still do before we die. Loveliness is sifting from your mind to my mind, the clouds are drinking in the sky the land is drinking in the earth, and we are drinking in, drinking in, what the dead left behind. Oh love, its not quite time. God how swell it is to be alive.

the earth is warm and dark and sweet

I want to make my life a work of art. Its this grand obsession I have, like the little kid at the beach who wants to make his sand-castle the biggest and the most beautiful. Jeuvenille, I know. Sometimes I wonder if I spend way too much time questioning, dipping my toes into the cold water and pulling them out again, when I should really be jumping in and smiling at Hell. The earth is made of dirt, dark brown gritty dirt and the sky is nice but just starring gets old.

One of these days I am going to stop theorizing about life and happiness. Because people who really live don’t write about it or roll it around in their minds, they swallow it whole and throw their colors at the canvas laughing. I’d rather sink into beauty, than wander through its cold gallery. Give me the dark muddy earth. The sticky little leaves.

I wish I wasn’t paralyzed here, starring at the stars .

I’d rather sink with you into the grass.

love is in the red washed current of my snow cold blood

In the dark winter of  my heart

I loved you

In the quiet chill of white snow lashes

And rose colored hats

I wanted it to last

and you did too

(There was so much life in you)

There was so much to love

To swallow with our eyes

But there was only enough time to pass it by

Smile a little

Like art hanging on the wall

Meant only to look at

You wish you could drink it whole

There are only a few things that I can love

Deep to the oceans floor

And the snow it simmers just beneath you.